Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
