idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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