I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
