1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
