Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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