So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
