And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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