yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
honey bunches of taint.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Randomize
