Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
