nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
