he wants to bone in the snuggie
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
