My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
