I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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