Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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