I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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