Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
