why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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