I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
