Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
