got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
