There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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