The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So many bounce houses so little time
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
