When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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