I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
