i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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