I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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