don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
