Welp...herpes.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
