Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize