FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
