I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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