god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
