Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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