Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize