My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
