I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
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