I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
