im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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