all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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