yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
