At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
