I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
