It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
