is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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