I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
