i just snorted my name. best moment ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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