How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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