why didn't you poke me back
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize