Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
