i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
