1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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