Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
