Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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