My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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