I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
