stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Randomize
