this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
