i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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