I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
